Stacy and Clinton, come and get me!

If you've read The Boys Next Door, you know how I love the TV show What Not to Wear. I watch it every single day at lunch. My husband Joey actually got me hooked on it. Pre-Joey, I never cared what I wore. You were likely to find me in my glasses, a T-shirt, ratty jeans, and Birkenstocks. You still are, when Joey is out of town. But Joey is a salesman. He knows better than anyone that first impressions are everything, and clothes are a big part of first impressions.

So, at his behest, I have studied What Not to Wear. I have bought myself some fitted jackets with nipped waistlines. But I will always have a soft spot for the poor folks on the show who just can't bring themselves to throw that Mickey Mouse T-shirt in the trash, no matter how hard Stacy and Clinton pull on it. I know the feeling. Here are just a few of the well-loved pieces my wardrobe would be better off without.


The cropped cargo pants. These are only a year old. Trouble is, I have worn them every day since I bought them. They are getting holey. I keep sewing them up, like I am Laura Ingalls Wilder and I have to make do mending my old clothes until Pa brings in the harvest and takes me to town to trade the grain for broadcloth.

The praying mantis shirt. It's not old, either, but I've worn it so much that it has faded from black to gray. I don't care. I love this shirt. I love it so much that I wore it when I took a picture of myself with my camera phone sat for my Fancy Professional Author Portrait, see?

How often do you come across a comfy T-shirt with a praying mantis embroidered on it? Once in a lifetime, I tell you. If it weren't for the praying mantis, I wouldn't have bought it, because I hate to wear shirts with foreign languages on them. I am scared of what it might say. Probably the Chinese characters stand for, "Praying mantis!" but for all I know, they might say, "Americans undervalue foreign language education!"

The sleep shorts. No, I do not wear these out. Joey wants me to get rid of them anyway, just on principle, because they are 20 years old. My friend Amy made them for me when we were in college at Auburn.

The T-shirt from 1987. This one speaks for itself, doesn't it? And finally...

The T-shirt from 1984. In case you cannot read funky disco lettering, it says "BRHS JAZZ," and wearing this T-shirt when I was a high school freshman meant I played saxophone in the COOL band with the SENIORS. I ran with the big dogs, yo.

How about you? Is your closet up to date, or would Stacy and Clinton run away screaming?