Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Worst Gifts of the Season

Seeing as how this is the season of giving and all, I'd like to do my part by helping those of you getting desperate for last minute holiday gifts. Not that I have suggestions for what to get, beyond echoing Micol’s call that a book always makes a great gift. But I’m offering equally useful advice for the last minute shoppers. I know quite well that as the clock ticks down even the tackiest of gifts begin to look promising. But I beg you. Put. Down. The. Chia Pet. And while you’re at it, avoid the following (especially if you happen to be shopping for me). They may seem like good ideas in the moment, but they are prime candidates for re-gifting…

Fruit Cake

A train with square wheels, a Charlie-in-the-Box, a cowboy that rides an ostrich, or a doll with emotional issues. They’re on that island for a reason. (Hey, maybe that’s the secret to the island on Lost. Sawyer is totally a misfit toy.)

Roast Beast

The Moon: George Bailey may have thought it incredibly romantic to offer this to Mary in It’s a Wonderful Life, but it is simply not practical. And don’t even get me started on the idea that he could throw a lasso around it, pull it out of orbit, have her SWALLOW IT WHOLE and then it would still glow inside her. No wonder he never got out of that hick town. (But, like Debbie's post says, this movie is a must see!!)

Hanukah Gelt: Don’t get me wrong. I love chocolate. But if anyone’s going to give me gold, I’d prefer ACTUAL gold.

But no Frankincense or Myrrh.

A hippopotamus

12 drummers drumming, 10 lords a-leaping, 8 maids a-milking (the gifts for the other 12 days are negotiable).

A chain for the pocket watch I don’t own or combs for the long hair I do not possess.

And finally … Star Wars “Disturbance at Lars Homestead” playset: I’d show you a picture of it here, if I could find one that’s not copyrighted, but allow me to describe it to those of you who are fans of the original 1977 Star Wars film. This is a plastic toy playset that recreates the never filmed moment when the Stormtroopers visited the home of Luke Skywalker’s Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. It’s a fairly innocent little playset until you realize that the Stormtrooper action figure has a flamethrower on his back because he’s about to TORCH LUKE’S RELATIVES!!! If this morbid toy isn’t a prime guest for the Island of Misfit Toys, I don’t know what is.

Happy Holidays and all the best for 2009!


Jennifer Echols said...

LOL! My son loves everything Star Wars but HAS NEVER SEEN THE MOVIE because he can't stand pathos (though shooting people with laser beams is just fine). I rented it this summer and we got to that very scene ("Uncle Owen? Aunt Beru?" silence...) and had to turn it off.

Micol Ostow said...

Noah got a fancy coffee maker one year...boy doesn't drink coffee!